Amy’s Top Ten List of What Things Not to Wear
I’ve decided in the spirit of all things fun, somewhat unconventional, and often times crude or objectionable, to include in my posts each week a top ten list. Please keep in mind that these lists are provided for purely entertainment proposes only. I can’t say that some won’t be based strictly on my own viewpoints or opinions, because quite frankly, they probably will. While others, outrageous and unforgiving will probably offend someone, somewhere unintentionally.
10. Over-sized Chunky Heels – For all you ladies out there that love wearing high heels, right on! However, coming from someone who is not supermodel thin and borders more on the slightly fluffy, wearing very chunky heels only makes one look chunkier. Actually, downright fat is a better description. And I’m not referring to the heels that have a little width to them, I’m referring to the ones that have reached platform level.
9. House dresses – Usually flowery concoctions that closely resemble curtains may commonly be worn by housewives or older ladies. And although they are okay for ‘around the house’, they probably shouldn’t be worn in public with your rollers and non-matching, head-covering scarf.
8. Skinny Jeans or Too-Tight Clothing – There is a reason they are called skinny jeans, so if you are anything less than cardboard thin, these probably aren’t the jeans for you. Jeans that are too-tight fall into this category also. If you have to lay down on the floor, break out the metal coat hanger and pull your zipper in while sucking in the gut, it’s time to hang up the hanger.
7. Animal print – Don’t get me wrong, animal print in small doses (on a pair of stilettos for instance) is acceptable and in some cases, downright hot. But again, unless you have the sleek physique of the animal you are wearing, a cheetah for example, chances are, you will not acquire the level of hotness you are trying for.
6. See-through anything – Sure, plenty of actresses and models can be found on the red carpet sporting a bra & panties set or body suit underneath a gauzy or lacy dress/top/skirt but let’s be serious. Who in their right mind would ever wear this to work? There is something to be said for leaving some things to the imagination.
5. Bling, bling and more bling – The first thing that comes to mind when I think of this is Mr. T from the A-Team. The second are the majority of rappers I see in videos or on celebrity website. I commend you for making the money to be able to purchase 15 ridiculously thick gold chains, but wearing them altogether will not only cause neck and back issues, it screams “Some less fortunate soul, come rob me.”
4. Too Short or Too Low-cut – This is for all the mothers out there. As the mother of a teenage girl, I have to say, “What the hell is wrong with today’s youth??” I personally think it’s the responsibility of the parents to monitor what their children wear. Unfortunately, many don’t. Therefore, when I attend school functions, I am inundated with visions of girls in shorts so short their cheeks are hanging out and shirts so tight or small that their chest hangs out or a huge strip of stomach is visible. Make no mistake, the boys are just as bad with their pants that barely come to the top of their ass cheeks, showing all the latest in plaid boxer briefs. (Note: Mothers, this also applies to you.)
3. Spandex – It’s a privilege, not a right. So unless you have the body of an athlete ( I’m not referring to Beer Pong either) or a model, wearing anything spandex will more than likely not flatter you. Think sausage casing….not a good visual, is it?
2. Juicy, Sexy, etc – If you are going to wear advertising on your rear end, please make sure it isn’t false. Juicy and Sexy shouldn’t be worn on those who are so fortunate to be endowed with large hips and an even larger backside.
1. Muffin-top creators – This pertains to anything that creates a muffin top. And for those of you who may not know just what a muffin top is…… Wikipedia defines muffin top as a slang term used to ‘describe the overhanging fat when it spills over the waistline of pants or skirts of overweight people in a manner that resembles the top of a muffin spilling over its paper casing.’ I disagree on one point, this is not reserved for only overweight people. Anyone who wears things that are extremely tight can be subject to this not-so-rare phenomenon and a little overhang can be inevitable. It’s the Panera Bread / Dunkin Donuts overhang that leaves something to be desired.
Special Mention: Although this is not on the top ten list, it is certainly worth noting. Boots with the fur combined with short shorts. Can you say oxymoron? Some things just shouldn’t be worn together. Especially in the middle of summer in Florida. I don’t want to even guess how sweaty and smelly those feet are.